Official Joke Thread

[Technic]

It official. Post your jokes.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

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A old man is at home, and he see's a guy robbing his backyard shed, and saw he was armed. Immediatly he calls 911 and says "im being robbed, please send police." the dispatcher responded "we will send a unit when one become's avalable, as there are currently none avalable at this time". 5 minutes later the guy is still searching through the old man's shed, so the old man calls the police again. this time he said "no need to send over the police. I shot the guy, and he is no longer moving." about 30 seconds later 2 cop cars, 1 swat truck, and an ambulance show up. They arrest the robber, and after they say to the old man "I thought you said you shot him!", the old man replied, "I thought there were no police avalable."

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In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.
They went up to the dean and explained that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst. They continued to explain how they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
The dean, being a compassionate human being said that they could retake the test after 3 days. The students garaciously replied that they'd be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the dean. The dean explained that since this was a special test all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the duraction of the exam.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 points:
MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION
INSTRUCTIONS :
All questions are required. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.
Q.1. Write down your name. ----- (2 POINTS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended. ----- (30 POINTS)
Q.3. What type of a car were you driving? ------(20 POINTS)
Q.4. Which tire burst? ------- (28 POINTS)
Q.5. Who was driving? ------ (20 POINTS)

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A local newspaper (in England ) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your Mother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.


Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face


Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not


I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face


I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Man, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

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How does Snoop Dog wash his whites?

with bleatch

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An American, a Chinaman and an Australian were all in a small business plane...

Over the Atlantic Ocean, the pilot makes an announcement:
"Sorry to bother you guys back there, but it appears we are running a little heavy and we need to lighten the plane or else we wont make it across the Atlantic..."

The American grabs some guns and throws them out and says: "We've got too many of these in America".
The Chinaman grabs some chopsticks and throws them out and says: "We've got too many of these in China".

Well ...The Australian grabs the Chinaman...

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

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He got his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said,
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper

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Two swordfish are in a tank,
one turns around to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"

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b4 a robber makes his getaway he turns to one of the customers and says "did you see me rob this bank" ?? customer says "well yes " bang the robber shoots him dead without a flinch. then the robber turns to the next customer and asks again "did you see me rob this bank"? man says "NO BUT I THINK MY WIFE DID"

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John and Paul meet in a bar.
John says: watz up, you will never believe what a dream i had yesterday
Pauls says : What?
John says: I dreamed that was on a JCB going from England to Ireland, it was soo slow.
Paul says: Well I had A better deam! You will never believe it!
John says : What What?
Paul says : I dreamed that i was on i party with 4 young hot chicks.
Jorh says : Why didn't you call me you fool!
Paul says : I called you! But your wife picked up! She sayed that you were on your was to Ireland on a JCB.

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Superman writes on the wall: Batman is a wuss.
The next day, Batman writes on the wall: Superman is Clark Kent.



Will post more later

[Technic]

PART 2: 101 things to do at walmart


1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get
to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
especially thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I
think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what
happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off
and turn the volumes to “10″.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen
you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid
embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask
yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this junk,
anyway?”

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re
taking it for a “test drive.”

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about
five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the
department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”

20. Put M&M’s on layaway.

21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from
the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around
saying,”…I’m Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!”

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello”
upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
“Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”

30. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired
employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any
Shnerples here?”

31. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

32. Take bets on the battle described above.

33. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

34. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
“Mission: Impossible.”

35. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while
squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him ” I
need some tampons!!”

36. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

37. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies?”

41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet
food aisle, etc.

44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.

45. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the
restrooms

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those
voices again!”

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and
relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain
that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little
umbrella in it.

51. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice
possible “sex and candy”

52. Try putting different pairs of women’s panties on your
head and walk around the store casually.

53. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the
mannequins.

54. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

55. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run
between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”

56. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.

57. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes.
(Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly
ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act
as spastic as possible.

59. While no one’s watching quickly switch the men’s and
women’s signs on the doors of the rest room.

60. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch
everyone’s jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

61. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with
various funnels.

62. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse
through, say things like “the fat man walks alone,” and scare
them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

63. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you
and get into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is
breaking up with you and you begin crying “How could you
do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was
another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME
darling.” Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto
the ground screaming and having convulsions.

64. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people
out.

65. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and
begin stroking it lovingly, saying “Good girl, good bessie.”

66. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of
shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the
boxes and throw it in various aisles.

67. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

68. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every
perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another
girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way.
“hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign?(giggle).” When the boy
shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.
“hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign?(giggle).”

69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples
carts when they don’t realize it!

70. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of
super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean
in and sniff them then jump back and wave your hand in front
of your nose and saying “Oh god, your over powering the
perfume!!”

71. Hit on the elderly.

72. Hit on 5 year olds.

73. In the food aisle, pretend like there’s a little bug, slowly
move your head to the right, then swing your head to the left
as if your trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the
ground, then start spinning around in circles stomping like
crazy. Then finally yell out “Yes!!! I got it!!! Wow, that was
the biggest ~censored~ I’ve ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!!
Hey look, there’s another one!!!” Then Repeat.

74. Repeat 73 with a can of bug spray.

75. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that your a cat.
Meow when people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc.

76. Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that your a
prissy English Man. Say things like “Cheerio, good man.” to
people who walk by. And don’t forget to have perfect posture.

77. Start grunting like Beavis and Butthead while chasing your
friends up and down aisles trying to run over them with those
electric cars. Make sure to tell your friends to act like they
don’t know you.

78. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for
toddlers. Fit the character; if your on a hoarse, then pretend
that your a cowboy, etc.. And If a little kid comes over
wanting to use it, start barking at them until
they run away crying.

79. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind
customers and “accidentally” hit the people instead of your
friend.

80. Excesively use anything thing that says “Try Me”.

81. Start pocketing any and all free samples.

82. Draw mustaches on all the pictures and mannequins.

82. Walk up to the customer service and when they say
“Hello, how may I help you?” say “Yes, I’ll have a Quarter
Pounder with cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of
french fries and a diet coke.” And when they start to talk, say
“Oh, to go”. Then when they say that they can’t give it to you
say “Oh, This is because I’m gay isn’t it? I’d expect this from
Caldors, but not Walmart. People who are gay are just like
everyone else your know. You digust me” Then walk away
mumbling to yourself. If your a guy, try to act as valley- girl-
like as you can

83. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people
asking where the rash cream is because your family and all
your friends seem to have a rash too.

84. When your alone, have loud conversations with your
“multiple personalities”. Have an English man, a Southern
person, someone from New York, a Grandma, and a 5 year old
girl all at the same time. You have to use accents. They should
sound like this: “Great idea good fellow, we shall have a jolly
good time.(English)” “Look, oall I wanna do, is wok ta
Stawbucks and git a cawfee(New York)” Etc.

85. Start “dancing” like mad. Basically, just wail your arms
and legs around like your having some kind of massive
seizure.

86. Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the
store.

87. Stick your arm in your jacket and suspiciously start to
leave the store. Get really tense and start to lean over as your
walking through the doors As if your suspecting the alarms to
go off. Then when it doesn’t go off, let out a big sigh. Then
quickly look around you to see who’s watching and run away
as fast as your can.

88. Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger,
your nose, your forehead, and the top of your head while
singing the circus song.

89. Put jockstraps in the lingerie department

90. Put lingerie in the men’s department.

91. Put super sexy lingerie in old men’s carts when they turn
around.

92. When your alone, start screaming help and yelling that
someone istrying to rape you. Then when everyone runs over,
start crying and saying “All I ever wanted was a little
attention” Then run away crying.

93. Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while,
start saying blink everytime it blinks. Don’t look away, just
stay mesmerized.

94. Walk up to a lady and calmly say “Help me. The voices in
my head are telling me to do naughty things.” Then clap your
hands over your ears, fly yell head around and start screaming
“NO!!! I DON’T WANT TO HURT THE NICE LADY NO
NO NO NO!!!!” Then suddenly stop, look her straight in the
eyes, and Calmly say “I…will start…a fire…” The pull out a
zippo and start laughing hysterically in an evil way. But don’t
light the zippo, just hold it closed.

95. Light a match under a spinkler.

96. Walk up to someone and say “Oh, so your back for more. I
warned you never to come back here. Wait here while i go get
my shot gun”. Then walk away.

97. Walk up to a guy and say “Oh my god, is it you? Oh my
god it is!!! I haven’t seen you in so long!!!!” Then kiss him.
Then slap and him say “Why didn’t you ever call me??” Then
walk away. Much more affective if you’re a guy.

98. Stand next to a maniquin and pretend that your a
mannequin. Try to hold the same position for as long as
possible. Then finally as someone is walking by, check your
watch and say. “Finally, my shift is done. I really don’t get
paid enough to do this”

99. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone.

100. Act like your about to cry and ask people “Have you seen
my mommy?”

101. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless.

[Technic]

PART 3:

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "F off, you won't bring it back."




your turn you guys!

[/\llIe]

Two swordfish are in a tank,
one turns around to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"

loled

[Guru]

Bathroom run, By Willie Makeit. Edited by Betty Dont.

[Technic]

Mar 27, 2009 14:28:49 GMT -5 /\llIe said:

Two swordfish are in a tank,
one turns around to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"

loled

Out of all of them, thats the only one you lol to?

[Guru]

lol

[Technic]

[/\llIe]

what makes these jokes more official than other jokes? <.<

[Technic]

The jokes arent official, the thread is.

[/\llIe]

"Official Joke Thread" Only from a certain point of view.

[Technic]

MY point of view

[/\llIe]

which is the fail PoV

[Technic]

Or is it the bagel?

[Guru]