Post by Technic on Mar 26, 2009 23:35:01 GMT -5
It official. Post your jokes.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
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A old man is at home, and he see's a guy robbing his backyard shed, and saw he was armed. Immediatly he calls 911 and says "im being robbed, please send police." the dispatcher responded "we will send a unit when one become's avalable, as there are currently none avalable at this time". 5 minutes later the guy is still searching through the old man's shed, so the old man calls the police again. this time he said "no need to send over the police. I shot the guy, and he is no longer moving." about 30 seconds later 2 cop cars, 1 swat truck, and an ambulance show up. They arrest the robber, and after they say to the old man "I thought you said you shot him!", the old man replied, "I thought there were no police avalable."
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In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.
They went up to the dean and explained that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst. They continued to explain how they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
The dean, being a compassionate human being said that they could retake the test after 3 days. The students garaciously replied that they'd be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the dean. The dean explained that since this was a special test all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the duraction of the exam.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 points:
MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION
INSTRUCTIONS :
All questions are required. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.
Q.1. Write down your name. ----- (2 POINTS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended. ----- (30 POINTS)
Q.3. What type of a car were you driving? ------(20 POINTS)
Q.4. Which tire burst? ------- (28 POINTS)
Q.5. Who was driving? ------ (20 POINTS)
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A local newspaper (in England ) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your Mother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Man, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
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How does Snoop Dog wash his whites?
with bleatch
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An American, a Chinaman and an Australian were all in a small business plane...
Over the Atlantic Ocean, the pilot makes an announcement:
"Sorry to bother you guys back there, but it appears we are running a little heavy and we need to lighten the plane or else we wont make it across the Atlantic..."
The American grabs some guns and throws them out and says: "We've got too many of these in America".
The Chinaman grabs some chopsticks and throws them out and says: "We've got too many of these in China".
Well ...The Australian grabs the Chinaman...
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He got his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said,
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two swordfish are in a tank,
one turns around to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
b4 a robber makes his getaway he turns to one of the customers and says "did you see me rob this bank" ?? customer says "well yes " bang the robber shoots him dead without a flinch. then the robber turns to the next customer and asks again "did you see me rob this bank"? man says "NO BUT I THINK MY WIFE DID"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John and Paul meet in a bar.
John says: watz up, you will never believe what a dream i had yesterday
Pauls says : What?
John says: I dreamed that was on a JCB going from England to Ireland, it was soo slow.
Paul says: Well I had A better deam! You will never believe it!
John says : What What?
Paul says : I dreamed that i was on i party with 4 young hot chicks.
Jorh says : Why didn't you call me you fool!
Paul says : I called you! But your wife picked up! She sayed that you were on your was to Ireland on a JCB.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Superman writes on the wall: Batman is a wuss.
The next day, Batman writes on the wall: Superman is Clark Kent.
Will post more later
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A old man is at home, and he see's a guy robbing his backyard shed, and saw he was armed. Immediatly he calls 911 and says "im being robbed, please send police." the dispatcher responded "we will send a unit when one become's avalable, as there are currently none avalable at this time". 5 minutes later the guy is still searching through the old man's shed, so the old man calls the police again. this time he said "no need to send over the police. I shot the guy, and he is no longer moving." about 30 seconds later 2 cop cars, 1 swat truck, and an ambulance show up. They arrest the robber, and after they say to the old man "I thought you said you shot him!", the old man replied, "I thought there were no police avalable."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.
They went up to the dean and explained that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst. They continued to explain how they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
The dean, being a compassionate human being said that they could retake the test after 3 days. The students garaciously replied that they'd be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the dean. The dean explained that since this was a special test all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the duraction of the exam.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 points:
MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION
INSTRUCTIONS :
All questions are required. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.
Q.1. Write down your name. ----- (2 POINTS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended. ----- (30 POINTS)
Q.3. What type of a car were you driving? ------(20 POINTS)
Q.4. Which tire burst? ------- (28 POINTS)
Q.5. Who was driving? ------ (20 POINTS)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A local newspaper (in England ) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your Mother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Man, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How does Snoop Dog wash his whites?
with bleatch
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An American, a Chinaman and an Australian were all in a small business plane...
Over the Atlantic Ocean, the pilot makes an announcement:
"Sorry to bother you guys back there, but it appears we are running a little heavy and we need to lighten the plane or else we wont make it across the Atlantic..."
The American grabs some guns and throws them out and says: "We've got too many of these in America".
The Chinaman grabs some chopsticks and throws them out and says: "We've got too many of these in China".
Well ...The Australian grabs the Chinaman...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He got his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said,
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two swordfish are in a tank,
one turns around to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
b4 a robber makes his getaway he turns to one of the customers and says "did you see me rob this bank" ?? customer says "well yes " bang the robber shoots him dead without a flinch. then the robber turns to the next customer and asks again "did you see me rob this bank"? man says "NO BUT I THINK MY WIFE DID"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John and Paul meet in a bar.
John says: watz up, you will never believe what a dream i had yesterday
Pauls says : What?
John says: I dreamed that was on a JCB going from England to Ireland, it was soo slow.
Paul says: Well I had A better deam! You will never believe it!
John says : What What?
Paul says : I dreamed that i was on i party with 4 young hot chicks.
Jorh says : Why didn't you call me you fool!
Paul says : I called you! But your wife picked up! She sayed that you were on your was to Ireland on a JCB.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Superman writes on the wall: Batman is a wuss.
The next day, Batman writes on the wall: Superman is Clark Kent.
Will post more later